i've always been a bit of a rebel........when my parents sent me to a private day school.. i made sure to do everything wrong until they were so fed up with me they kicked me out......
i went back to public school. and decided i wanted to get out early.... the learning wasn't vast.. i doubled up, went to summer school and graduated in my junior year.......... of course i had to go back with a smirk to the private school and let them know.. i was hardly a failure. i had good grades, graduated early despite failing everything there to be removed... honestly , i didn't even like the concept private school.. though i understand it on all levels..
when the crowds went this way.. chose one path... starting in my teens i was always pushing the boundaries wanting to go the other direction....i just never felt i belonged with the masses....i had friends... but my calling was always a bit variant.... like many people i have in my life now some were like that back then.... and my son definitely carving his own path
call it the road less travelled.. the long and winding road..... but when i often feel most centered is when i'm following my gut.. my instinct..... i love the anecdotal interractions of life .. the spider web that is formed.. connecting us to one another .. no boundaries...no walls
while some are getting older....thinking about the later years ..settling down....... me i dream and wonder about the possibilities... yes the realities of the day to day living to pay the bills, survive and make things plausible...
but as my wise dad always said.. work hard to take care of yourself and others. always others.... that is KEY... and i'm on it..... but you want some fruits of the vine............. meaning experiences... exposure.... new moments with others.. keep the learning and evolution growing...... and while i want that home base.. of course i do...we all do.. nothing like home amongst the memories of a life , carved out how you want... i love my home...but it isnt a life in and of itself..... I also crave the motion.... the meandering .. the wandering.. the surprises...where my heart and energy are full
right now it's just percolating as i take stock of a life.. where i have been .. what things i want to accomplish,, experience.... what communities.. what kind of love that can truly flourish in my life.........
it is time to have more courage to strike out... stop waiting for others.. and get on with it.. bc the world ain't stopping. the clock is ticking... pay attention and the next thing you know another year has gone by....
you drive by something.... again and again.. sometimes over a long period of years...... but your always drawn..... your eyes connect and want to linger......it’s the the needle in the haystack..
others don't see why you are stopping...what you are looking at, but now they look at me.. .....not the house.......who cares....i am here and having my moment..... it's the less obvious....... the little something .........the je ne sais quoi....... that makes me come alive..
for me it was this little green house, all alone.... lost in the middle of other homes that others would gawk at.........but not for me , it was this simple austere home with all the charm and beauty in a small field........this little green house
finally i stop and gave you your glory and took an image.
Touch
i love when i read what's on your mind.. by this meta..... do they really want to know.. who wants to know.... but for me what was on my mind yesterday was the importance of Touch
i'm a visual and tactile person.... emotional.. feel things so deeply.. which can be good and bad...... but in the end better to feel deeply ..... power of the heart.. sensitivity to others and the world around us... it feeds my abilities as a photographer.. to see.. pick up on nuances... pick one person from a crowd..... make that connection........ we are a grand cloth made up of many threads.... each one adding or taking away.. much like spices to food
But it was when i was lost in a massage.... my mind and body completely let go.. both travelling ,free wheeling.... and my thoughts were deeply elevated just about the thought of touch..... i was in such a great state of peace and nurturing.. and i was thinking a lot about the concept of touch or the absence of it.....
we learn from a very early age.. birth.. the need to be held, comforted.. patted gently urging to find sleep.... we learn all the ways in which as we get older.. to greet others. to make friends.. to shake hands.. to hug.. to kiss hello and goodbye.. pat or push each other with a hardy joke... .... and you surely know when you shake a hand that feels like a fish how not so nice that feels.... it is life affirming... connection..... words.. but touch is like an exclamation point...
later many crave pets. yes because like me who adores animals. we want them around. but inherently also bc yet without language..... they show by their being... their warmth.. their touch, climbing on our laps. grazing past our legs.. a paw pat.. a lick.... their connection and trust in us.......... that there is something greater than words that can happen through sounds and touch..... but yes they even learn some words.. but it's the physicality of holding them close .. they comforting us that is so wonderful..... the need for all of us to nurture and be nurtured.... i always remember when i would cry how my cat would come on my lap and lick my face..... he knew.. we humans have the same capability....
and it is also in reverse........if animals are treated badly they are inclined to bark or bite.. do harm.... humans too without touch , love, warmth.. suffer greatly ., sometimes forever..
i remember as a 14 year old… in love with someone 16yo....he felt so much older than me…but i was mesmerized….. we would look into each others eyes. …and in those moments we communicated so clearly about how we felt about each other. .. but there were no words at all.. i sat behind him in a car.. and let my fingers ever so gently touch the back of his shirt.. a flicker.. felt i know between the two of us. wondrous… the next day he sought me out and we were together for many years
but yesterday it was just a massage.... the soothing hands rubbing my hands ,feet, head all over.. the deliciousness of it all. the comfort.. the sensory pleasure.. the need by all of us to touch and be touched.. i love it..
i think i’m at a good place in myself…. where i feel centered by many truths and realities of life.. see , understand , percieve things more clearly and feel things more deeply and truthfully…
it's soooo simple.. but i love the power of touch.. . .a high five.... ... a brush near dancing.... ...the warmth of someone lying near......a good ole bear hug...... or grab of a hand to introduce your self.... or to say goodbye.......
What is Home
home......
i often wonder about the many meanings of that word..... primarily.. it's here...life on earth... mother nature, what she provides... for all of humanity.. no divisive lines
but especially in light of all the mass movement of refugees, currently from Ukraine, and for many in so many countries ......... the loss of their culture , place , language, rituals.. .. they may have a home, a bed, a structure, but often losing the way to communicate shared memories... and not yet aquiring the language to communicat some of their deepest losses ,sorrows, hopes and dreams.
so too with climate change.... we see the destruction from fire, hurricanes and earthquakes, communities wiped out.. living unimaginable after its wake..... and with the destabilization of the world..environmentally, politically , financially.. socially, on and on...we turn to each other.. count on each other...power of each other for all humanity,. equally......
in the literal and visual sense.......home generally, but not for so many is conveyed as a safe haven.. a place that you can return to at the end of the day..... cook your meals, read, work, make love and go to sleep in your own bed.. nothing like it...
But home is so much more.... it's not just the structure, but home is what happens inside... our stuff while precious to us is just an accumulation ..... we can't take it with us.. but yes it has so much importance to most of us/Me Too!!!.... .especially irreplaceable momentos, and precious items passed down through families; our art work,books, things we want to leave to create a legacy
the bottom line...is how you live your life... and how you are with the people in your life.... family , friends , loved ones, the world at large..... these people are also home.. they are my home..
so while it might be grand to think of having a big home.. or a home with a lot of amenities.... in reality.. it doesn’t so much matter.... big or small. the same cultivations of thought and purpose , dignity and life occur in a tent, an apartment or a big or small home...even those who find themselves on the street bc of so many ills in our system that lets people fall through the cracks.....they too make a home.. if you stop to notice and look...they even create one on a corner in the street., their corner or block......
home is important.... everyone deserves and is entitled to a place called home...EVERYONE
so when i see this home, which i drove by for many days.. i found myself staring at... it was beautiful to me... and wondered about the life and family inside.... as i do often when i walk this earth... we are all family..
in particular, I love the homes in the West Indies, including Cuba, . but i love them in other places of the world.. even in this country esp in rural areas.. i wonder about the life lived before ... about the families who might have been there... the old ones from a generation long gone.. but still used and life manifested.. i think back to those times.. imaging how life was different.. and often when i see abandoned spaces i walk through them and pick up remnants of things..... and spend time in the rooms (even if i trespass i find my way.. the forbidden sign doesnt stop me-) naughty nina...
recently i was in an abandoned hotel that had been therefor a ton of years.. now occupied by goats, vegetation growing inside..., broken shards of pottery , mirrors... bandaid boxes.. and other things........ a whole world of a time when it was occupied by many....... i collected some tiles. as i also did in Cuba,, even if i found tiny ones...
Home IS where the heart is......its ALL of US.
Loss... endings... Life
i wasn't going to post and remember my dad today bc recently i posted a reflection from deep inside....... i am not down.... this is just life.......sometimes things bookend each other.. mb his anniversary today is a subtle reminder.. a nudge. . his love... that i have what it takes... that he is proud of me.. and that i need to also honor myself..... and i do that by sharing our life experiences..
8 years half passed since my fathers passing.....13 for my mother... anchors in my life.. ...other losses too... different kinds of loss...painful ones.....part of the living experience....
passing.. what does that mean?? an ending... the taking of that last breath. the space between when life as we know it ends..and going over to the other side..... transitioning to where?.....
we constantly grapple for meaning in life...to figure out what really matters...... so much of what we focus on does not....... and then you are no longer here........life as we know it.. gone........that can’t be the end......all that navigating.. learning.... .exploring.. all that history/ memory......
i have grappled for years now.. . trying to wrap my head around the multitude of experiences and emotions i’ve felt.... part of this wonderous life...........riding the waves... some very peaceful..magnificent... fantastic in fact..... some so lonely and painful... and then rejoicing....... in the memories.. the gratefulness i feel to experience all that it means to be human.....
when i feel those losses deep inside myself.. almost like a heart beat... rising to the surface ..... a feeling like presence overcomes me.... i see signs.... .feel that person....even those alive i feel lost from.. then connect........ is this spirit? what is the power of our minds related to this?? a connection.. or a way to conjure up and comfort our selves... or both. or a power greater than us
all i know is when i love.. i love so hard.. deeply.. that i take that person in fully.. and they become so much a part of me..i carrry them with me.. always... never forgotten.... i feel lucky for that.. even though loss is painful... to not love enough to feel the pain of that loss.. is the worst Loss of all.
today i honor that memory of my dad.. maybe gone,. not forgotton. ..life... the grandeur we still get to experience in the here and now.....and the love and depth i feel for so many that are here still wandering this earth with me.............this is not a downer.... rather just the opposite....... there is so much exquisite in the here and now.. and so happy im still here to taste as much as i can........ i take nothing for granted.... so much more work to do , experience and love and memories to create....
Belonging and Nomadic Life
I've been feeling unsetted for a long time.. i know where my home is.. where i keep all my belongings and beloved collections..I have a great air b n b where i love to host.....i meet so many great, dynamic people.. but they come and go ....... and since the pandemic ....so do i....
i've vascillated between NY and Sonoma County, California for the better part of two and a half years.. with one or two intermittent short trips..(maine and the southwest)...... and i'm always happy to come home...... want to.....my bed.. my space ..that reaks Nina......... but then at the same time i just feel disconnected, ...... like i don't really belong anywhere.. and yet while that is not entirely true, it is how i feel.. do any of you ever feel that way?
i keep saying i'm nomadic, when people comment on my comings and goings..... it’s really mostly NY/CA( to be with my son....but also, i'm just restless.. like im searching to find that time or place where i say..finally, i am where i'm supposed to be and i feel good...
i do think in part it is because i'm single. i deal with life on my own accord.........make all the decisions... no one to balance the responsibilities with me...........11 years ago i separated from my husband after a long 27 year marriage together.. i've accomplished many things.... .found my inner strength and know i am more capable than i ever gave myself credit for... . but now as i'm getting older...... i feel slightly adrift..... where do i belong?. what or who am i looking for?.. what do i want?.........what dreams or desires do i want to make happen?
i love my friends.. my family.. i feel deeply committed to all of them. would drop anything if needed............but i feel like a lone star....
today it made me think a lot about the word nomad and what it means to be nomadic... and the time i spent in Morocco.. especially the Moroccan Sahara where i spent many days visiting nomadic communities... and taking photos...... i mostly spent my time with the women...
this place among others- some new, some old.. i have a deep connection with, an other worldly feeling.. bonding... and i feel the desire to finish or continue what i began some years ago....... but it's all about memories.. desires...
not sure about the rest of you , especially those in my age group...... i'm older than i feel... 64 are you kidding me????.ill be ready for medicare next year??? what????? . i know i'm still in my 40s right??? of course i am... i'm young and tenacious. a lot of good energy and love to go around.. but i realize our bodies will not always keep up with our minds..... and i feel like i'm at a time where i’m reckoning with what was.... what is.... and what will be......
photography has been one of the biggest gifts in my life.. the language i speak without having to think in advance about what i'm trying to say... it’s inherently a part of me.. and provided me with so much of my spirit.. and it is here where i know i will fine some more of me and whatever this dis//// ease i'm feeling.....
maybe in these spaces of the unknowing are the biggest spurts of growth and understanding........
Here are two nomadic jewels....i spent the afternoon with......
After the Protest
the day was long. i had been walking for hours in the Mexican countryside capturing images and engaging with people. i even had a dead battery and had to wait on a desolate road until an elderly indigenous couple in a rickety old truck stopped to help me
arriving back to where i was staying at nightfall , i saw a gathering of people swelling by the hour into the 100's. it was an indigenous protest lasting until the wee hours of the morning and continuing to the next day.
of course i ran and got my fast lens for the darkness and stayed up talking w everyone, proudly utilizing my growing spanish to understand and give support.
eventually i had to get going. it was very late and i got a call to make my way home , that my dad was sick , in the hospital and might not pull through. i made it home the next day, he did not pull through and i was at home with him and the rest of my siblings for his passing
but... meanwhile as i went to my hotel room to sleep for an early departure i noticed all the men and women were not leaving, but would remain in protest in this square and went to bed on the sidewalks and patches of green.
the whole experience had my heart pumping... their fight for social justice and them standing firm, and bedding in place, which led to this image
between the experience of this protest and the last few nights of my fathers life i will never forget taking this image.
so it is an honor and i'm pleasantly surprised to see my photo here for the opening Creative Portrait exhibition at LACP, with Juror Aline Smithson
Nina’s air b n b
... hellllllo up there.. drone......
yep it's me... from my sweet cottage that i air b n b on my property..
people ask what i do.. i always say photographer, chambermaid and ambassador.... i love two out of three, and when i can, I get someone else to take over my chambermaid duties... (even though i'm quite the cleaner)
this place has been an added surprise to my life.. first built as a place to hold tools , mowers etc..... but my son asked for a small space inside to play his guitar.... this is what was built and designed by my x, with no plans.. he just started building...and 3 months later...
ultimately, it never had a mower or tools in there ,.. but my son playing his guitar, hanging out with friends.. a social gathering place of sorts... ping pong.. etc..
it was later moved to where it is now, on the other end of my property... and when it was vacant and unusued for two or more years one of my very dear friends pushed me to have an air b n b. this was when air b n b was just taking off... i heard about it ,but had never stayed at one
i asked her why would i do that? i live here alone...she told me i love people... people love me.. i love to talk to strangers... and i'm a natural host.. besides my yard is lovely and quiet..... and i'll make some income
after prodding and prodding me.. i ran around the property taking photos. put up the site and a month later pushed the button to publish the offering..... i felt like a fraud , i had no idea what the heck i was doing.
i never thought anyone would come here... and yet after the moment i hit the button my phone texts were alarming me every moment with requests....
8th year in and i’ve had hundreds of guests, many repeats and friends made, sharing of books, movies, travel, recipes, wine , meals...philosphies.. talks into the nite with fireflies, ping pong contests.... and yes they have tons of time alone, go off on their own adventures, and me often out or away as well... ...it's a good mix... and culturally wonderful as well since so many are from overseas..
i called it the love shack for a bit as a joke(me the madame), bc i've had so many couples.. getting away.. falling in love... engaged.. with babies. back as older couples, seeking alone time... i also joked there was more sex going on in there than i have had for a long time............. i also have tons of artists, photographers, film makers, writers, people in every part of the workforce.. but what i have in common with most of my guests.. like 95 % of them.. is shared humanistc beliefs about the world. ..connection, diversity, tolerance. open minded.. issues like climate, politics, race issues..... i’m so lucky to attract people here with great values...down to earth, heart.. generosity..spirit
... my friend was right. it has been perfect for me... and it's been a silver lining.
i actually rent my main house as well some times.. for several weeks or a month, and shut the cottage when i go away if i have a several week or monthly renter..
i also have an ongoing project based on this place.. still figuring out how to manifest it.. started with polaroids of people,what i learned about them in a few days, all their writings to me in many books, drawings, ephemera, stories, funny moments, articles....
lucky me for this wonderful surpise in my life. thankyou Cara Romano, and all my wonderful guests that keep on giving...
not sure how long i'll be here and keep doing this.. but i feel no matter where i would ever go i'd love to keep doing this... it brings the wider world, people you would never meet or talk to, closer together
