i wasn't going to post and remember my dad today bc recently i posted a reflection from deep inside....... i am not down.... this is just life.......sometimes things bookend each other.. mb his anniversary today is a subtle reminder.. a nudge. . his love... that i have what it takes... that he is proud of me.. and that i need to also honor myself..... and i do that by sharing our life experiences..
8 years half passed since my fathers passing.....13 for my mother... anchors in my life.. ...other losses too... different kinds of loss...painful ones.....part of the living experience....
passing.. what does that mean?? an ending... the taking of that last breath. the space between when life as we know it ends..and going over to the other side..... transitioning to where?.....
we constantly grapple for meaning in life...to figure out what really matters...... so much of what we focus on does not....... and then you are no longer here........life as we know it.. gone........that can’t be the end......all that navigating.. learning.... .exploring.. all that history/ memory......
i have grappled for years now.. . trying to wrap my head around the multitude of experiences and emotions i’ve felt.... part of this wonderous life...........riding the waves... some very peaceful..magnificent... fantastic in fact..... some so lonely and painful... and then rejoicing....... in the memories.. the gratefulness i feel to experience all that it means to be human.....
when i feel those losses deep inside myself.. almost like a heart beat... rising to the surface ..... a feeling like presence overcomes me.... i see signs.... .feel that person....even those alive i feel lost from.. then connect........ is this spirit? what is the power of our minds related to this?? a connection.. or a way to conjure up and comfort our selves... or both. or a power greater than us
all i know is when i love.. i love so hard.. deeply.. that i take that person in fully.. and they become so much a part of me..i carrry them with me.. always... never forgotten.... i feel lucky for that.. even though loss is painful... to not love enough to feel the pain of that loss.. is the worst Loss of all.
today i honor that memory of my dad.. maybe gone,. not forgotton. ..life... the grandeur we still get to experience in the here and now.....and the love and depth i feel for so many that are here still wandering this earth with me.............this is not a downer.... rather just the opposite....... there is so much exquisite in the here and now.. and so happy im still here to taste as much as i can........ i take nothing for granted.... so much more work to do , experience and love and memories to create....
