mornings are hard for me... when your resistance is down you feel everything....
generally i'm a very positive person... the one animated. talking. laughing ,.. deep dives in conversation.. albeit mixed with a lot of alone time... a place and space i always need.. regeneration. peace.. i like the balance...
however, i feel ... No i know i have been fighting low grade depression.. anxiety, stress from all that has gone on in this country these past 4 years.. and some of this long before.. and forever... but rearing its ugly head
i have told myself winning the election, the inauguration i will feel much better.. finally intelligent and sane politicians, activists pushing the needed agenda on institutional racism..climate, immigration, this pandemic.. and so much more
Yes i was elated on Jan 20th... bagels and lox with friends watching Biden become the President..such pride in Kamala Harris as the first black VP woman... the marvelous poet Amanda Gorman my new hero... and yes happy each time Biden signed an executive order for those most fundamental issues.. something in my mind that is a no brainer...even normal decency seemed so unusual after the madness
but reality kicks back in.. we don't have enough vaccines bc of Trump.. he is a murderer in my eyes..people died and are dying bc of his ignorance and many republicans too.. all accomplices...... many not all , are radicalized and have changed this country in a way that may just may be virulent.. to me they are the virus. the pandemic that may happen again.. and i'm scared.. to the core...
they turn their head on the insurrection, as if a child broke a toy.... who are we ?? well not me.. but who are they??? .. all of those people that live inside a farce of lies, hatred... and want to derail everything our democracy stands for, and is now very much at stake.
and now warnings of more terrorist actions by our own citizens on our own citizens..
bare with me. .I'lll find my smile and peace and goodness and equilibrium.... it is there.. i'm still nina after all...i am productive doing things in spite of it all. .. have many moments of ease and peace.and joy..... but i feel so changed by all of this.. WE ALL ARE.. A PTSD of a sort....
this photo really symbolizes what i feel. the fragility.... the animal that got away.. escaped...just a few hairs remain.. of being contained. reprimanded.............. i feel this is US we made it through.
But if trump is not impeached.. and he won’t be... i fear him or his family will be back.. i don't know about you but i can not withstand that again. he took 4 years of our mental real estate... and i thought i was done with it.. but i see it remains.. i'm fearful but i have got to move forward with joy and purpose..
can't wait to hug all of you.. my people.. my family.. move with freedom not in fear of disease..
Group hug please
